I was asked to write about my unorthodox parenting style in response to a long series of amazing accomplishments of the three boys I fathered. To establish a little credibility, here are a few of the things these guys have done:
Boy 1: Valedictorian, Graduating with Physics + Systems Engineering + and Computer Science from Washington University, Published AI research, All State in Cross Country
Boy 2: President of student body, Captain of D6 Football Team, Accepted into the MIT mechanical engineering program
Boy 3: Straight As, Track and Football, and social skills that I could only dream of having.
Here is the video Boy 2 used to get into MIT:
When I was a new dad I was told a few key hints from some wise mentors:
Another great mentor told me that there are really only a few principles that will lead to accomplishing #3:
Those principles seem simple, but in practice, they are nearly impossible. Examples:
When you see your boy about to make a mistake like not studying enough for a test, do you hound him to study or let him fail?
When he fails, do you ground him, or just help him see how he may have just closed off certain desirable opportunities in the future?
Do you force them to play an instrument, or just leave a bunch of instruments around the house and see what they gravitate to?
Do you let them do seemingly dangerous things or try to protect them?
Do you compare the siblings, or make sure they know how they are different and why they do not need to follow their brother’s path?
When they have a setback or failure, do you focus on that, or do you find and celebrate the learnings?
The funny thing about all of this is most of the time, the best thing to do is nothing. On the surface, it may look lazy or hands off and it is. But, if you grab your bag of popcorn, watch the show and make sure to laugh and cheer a lot, you just may find that being responsibly lazy might just lead to the best possible outcome.
Boy 1: Valedictorian, Graduating with Physics + Systems Engineering + and Computer Science from Washington University, Published AI research, All State in Cross Country
Boy 2: President of student body, Captain of D6 Football Team, Accepted into the MIT mechanical engineering program
Boy 3: Straight As, Track and Football, and social skills that I could only dream of having.
Here is the video Boy 2 used to get into MIT:
When I was a new dad I was told a few key hints from some wise mentors:
- Those are not MY boys. They are just on loan for a very short period of time. Never treat them like property or possessions.
- They are not lumps of clay for me to mold. Give up any fantasy of shaping them into little versions of me.
- As a parent, I only have one job and that is to help them discover the best possible version of themselves.
Another great mentor told me that there are really only a few principles that will lead to accomplishing #3:
- Give them so much space that they know they are living for themselves and not for you.
- Create an environment where they feel the real world positive and negative consequences of their actions.
- Trust your wife’s instincts about when things are potentially going south (she will know way before you do). That is when Dad steps in to actively coach.
- When you are not sure what to do, just love and encourage them.
Those principles seem simple, but in practice, they are nearly impossible. Examples:
When you see your boy about to make a mistake like not studying enough for a test, do you hound him to study or let him fail?
When he fails, do you ground him, or just help him see how he may have just closed off certain desirable opportunities in the future?
Do you force them to play an instrument, or just leave a bunch of instruments around the house and see what they gravitate to?
Do you let them do seemingly dangerous things or try to protect them?
Do you compare the siblings, or make sure they know how they are different and why they do not need to follow their brother’s path?
When they have a setback or failure, do you focus on that, or do you find and celebrate the learnings?
The funny thing about all of this is most of the time, the best thing to do is nothing. On the surface, it may look lazy or hands off and it is. But, if you grab your bag of popcorn, watch the show and make sure to laugh and cheer a lot, you just may find that being responsibly lazy might just lead to the best possible outcome.
No comments:
Post a Comment